Here’s an enlightening message that has stuck with me since my first days in a journalism classroom:

“If you see it, it’s a good story. If you take notes, it’s journalism.“

Anyway, that tidbit from Laura Moore’s “Intro to Journalism” high school class circa 2006 is prologue for my latest bullshit: exploiting even more benign promotions from corporations who don’t know I exist.

I’m planning to sample all the Polar Pops from Circle K over the next month, and none of you motherfuckers can stop me! You’ll never take me alive, pigs!

I’ve been on the hunt for quality refreshment that won’t break the bank now that summer has returned. I got a fresh case of CPAP dry mouth (in addition to the “usual” dry mouth), and my arm-sweat “pitters” are certainly not quitters.

Enter the Circle K convenience store in my neighborhood. If it’s anything like yours, it’s a piece of shit. Total disaster zone. UNICEF won’t even go there. Enter at your own risk and don’t say a fucking word. There’s napkins all over the floor, but none that are clean to use in the receptacle. Vape pens are cheaper than “fresh produce.” The roller grills haven’t touched actual food in months. And it’s tough to tell whether the cashier is being stern with you because he’s on uppers, just got robbed for short-change and 7 cigarettes in the parking lot, or is entering hour 18 of this work shift (he opens tomorrow, too).

Circle K is a social phenomenon, is what I’m saying. Deeply American and disturbingly metaphoric for the current state of affairs.

I had been walking over there for the past day or two, now that I realized just how broke I am without a job, so I can fill up on a half-gallon of fountain soda (aka, the “Polar Pop”) for $1.19. Compare that to pitiful little 20-ounce bottles in the fridge for $2.29 each (or whatever I spend on craft bullshit at the bar while full-tilt on a Saturday night) and it’s plain to see I’d be a fool not to drop the measly 5 quarters on the more economic option while I’m keeping my head above water and looking for any job prospects with a shred of humanity involved.

Plus, they got that “good ice” over at Circle K. Oh boy!

I was having my latest depressed transaction with a Circle K employee behind the register (as well as their thousand-yard-stare) when I noticed the “Sip & Save” promotion on the cash register marquee. For just $5.99, you can have all the Polar Pops you want for an entire month! Fuck this $1.19 shit! I’m a king and I deserve to be treated like one, so I signed up.

There is only one caveat with the promotion: one redeemed Polar Pop per day, maximum.

So I can’t go in there and drain the oceans into a styrofoam cup for some sick pleasure, but I can realistically get about 15 gallons of soda for 6 bucks if I’m loyal about stopping by once a day through Father’s Day.

I stopped by yesterday to redeem my first drink, filled my giant tub of sugar water, and placed the vat of filth on the counter. I asked to punch in my “Sip & Scan” number, and they didn’t even scan me.

Folks, we could end up with a veritable swimming pool of pop by the end of May.

My plan, for the good people at home who deserve quality feature writing in these starved, classless times, is to sample as many fountain drinks and combinations as I can in the spirit of budget adventure.

And of course, I’ll take notes — because that’s what makes it journalism instead of a good story.

DAY 1: The inaugural beverage

On Tuesday, I started Day 1 of this Sisyphean soda quest with a love letter to my favorite soft drink: the Shirley Temple.

A beloved favorite among children at gaudy themed restaurants and failing country diners alike, the modern Shirley Temple is normally a combination of Sprite, cherry grenadine, and a few maraschino cherries, but they don’t serve those latter two options at Circle K. They will kill you for asking.

Instead, I aimed for a concoction that was mostly Sprite, but flavored heavily with Mountain Dew Code Red. In previous days, I had gone with a 70/30 Sprite/Code Red ratio to really let the Sprite do its work without being overpowered. On Tuesday, I went 60/40, just to see how ambitious the Code Red could be.

Well, it’s a little much, but it ain’t bad! The unfortunate part is that Code Red isn’t just cherry, it’s a lot of that standard “Dew” flavor, too. So what you add in an attempt to get the syrupy joy of a thick Shirley Temple, you also end up cancelling out in the Sprite.

I liked 70/30 better. 60/40 is a bit too strong. 50/50 would be just lite Code Red, while 80/20 would be defective Sprite. Aim for 70/30 for best results.

Editor’s Note:

A large swath of “Moose on the Juice” content might end up exclusively on Twitter, but the major updates will be provided here as necessary. It was easy to create 1,000-word posts every day when I was on the road for an entire month. This…is a mini-game with the shitty gas station down the street.

I’ll also be keeping a spreadsheet of each drink and related notes for at-a-glance review.

If you have any recommendations for what mixtures I try next, feel free to message me through the Mailbag option above, or let me know what you think over on Twitter.

Thanks for reading. I’m off to get another Polar Pop.

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-moose

PS: Like what you’re reading? Want to buy me a Polar Pop? Feel free to donate $1.19 (or whatever) to this career writer who wants to spread a little joy to this sick puppy of an Earth while he’s between jobs. Totally optional. The content here is still going to be free otherwise. Thanks!

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